We (Ryan and I) got me all packed up at the house, and I moved out on Friday last week.
After
- Four weeks of packing up every closet, every drawer, every nook, every cranny;
- Stuffing it all into the back storage room of the Taj (where it all fits, thankfully);
- Cleaning, scrubbing, vacuuming, and chasing down every lacy spider web trail;
- Canceling the DirecTV, the garbage pickup, the membership at the “Y”;
- Draining, anti-freezing, and tarping the hot tub; (because the renters don’t want to maintain it)
- Getting the top and bottom lawns mowed, all the weeds whacked (nicely done by Ryan)
The Taj
And, on “the day”, making sure the lovely young family moving in had all the complete instructions they needed about each and every quirky little nuance of our house (the new heat tape plug for the Taj water pipes; the special instructions for the kitchen window roll shutter, etc etc)…
After all of that…there was nothing left to do, except to turn over the keys…and leave.
So now, I am officially “homeless” for the next eight weeks.
Only in a First World sense, of course. I have good friends and generous relatives who have kindly volunteered to “take me in”. Me, with TWO carloads of suitcases/trunks/boxes/jackets and this-and-that-miscellaneous-item-that-I-might-or-might-not-need-over-the-next-eight-weeks-and/or-to-take-to-Kenya…
So….when Chloe threw up on the bed at first light a few days ago (while staying at a friend’s house)…because her doggie blanket, which normally should have been there to protect the bedspread, had been packed/forgotten/gone, somewhere…
And even though my friend, warm and understanding as she always is, took it calmly in stride …
I lost it.
Couldn’t stop the tears from slowly trickling down my face, even as I leaped out of bed to race for the water, soap, spot remover, whatever in the frantic rush to scrub/wash it out.
I thought I had been holding it all together quite well until then, thank you very much.
But it only took one small, unexpected bit of doggie burp-up to tip me over the edge.
Because, right at that moment…the reality, the enormity of this whole thing that has been going on for weeks and months (years in the planning, actually), this “big-hairy-audacious-thing” (as a friend of ours has named it) that we are doing once again…all came crashing in.
In one crystallized instant, I realized:
- How much stress it is to pack up one’s current life to leave for another, even though both are equally loved and valued
- How tied I am to a sense of place; and to want to “belong” somewhere, to not feel “rootless” and “extraneous”, like a vagabond, even for a very short amount of time
- How much, in recent weeks, people’s kind-and-well-meaning-but-shot-through-the-heart comments had affected me (“TWO years??” “I could never leave my dog”; “How can you leave this beautiful place?”)
- How fragile I truly am (perhaps it’s age-related…)
And how much in that instant, even though I know that what we’re doing is the right thing to do, which has been confirmed again and again through countless and faith-building events that continue to amaze (just this week we sold the car for the asking price, but can still keep using it till late October)…
In that instant…I just wanted to go home.
Sometimes, reality bites. And it is not pleasant. Quite frankly, I would not be able to do any of this….except for one thing:
“If the LORD had not been on our side (let Israel now say),….[things] would have swallowed me alive…the flood would have engulfed us…the raging waters would have swept me away.” (Psalm 124: 1, 3-5).
I would not be able to pack up and leave my lovely home on a beautiful lake in northern Minnesota…..except that He is the one who has asked me to do it.
I could not leave my precious family (and faithful, stressed-out dog) to go to a new place, half-way around the world, where I will once again “start over” with making friends, finding my way, teaching and living…unless He was in it, guiding and leading and promising to “never leave or forsake me”.
“Because the Sovereign LORD helps me, I will not be disgraced. Therefore I have set my face like flint, and I know I will not be put to shame” (Isaiah 50:7).
To “set one’s face like flint” means to “decisively, resolutely, and whole-heartedly follow the LORD JESUS CHRIST regardless of what the world thinks or says about us” (Brazeal, 2012).
And this: “Setting your face like flint implies that you’re expecting some opposition, to stand strong in the face of adversity. To set your face like flint means to regard these difficulties as worthwhile when you consider what they will lead you to…” (Gyamathy, 2013).
It means having the resolve to surrender your whole life to Him.
Jesus, Jesus, take me over now, I surrender
Everything I have, I lay it down
All of me.*
For all the good things I have in my life, it’s Jesus, the ultimate Reality, that matters most. He is the only One who can enable me to do the hard things that I need to do right now.
So, “Yes, Lord”. Yes. Once again I resolve to set my face like flint, so that I may follow hard after You.
(* Michael W. Smith, Wonder, 2010)